I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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