1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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