Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
