It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
