How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
