Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
