Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
