Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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