i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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