I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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