Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
