I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.