so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.