Pappa wants mamma naked
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.