were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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