i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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