Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
