last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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