High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
