Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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