guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
