drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
