life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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