there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize