i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Oh god it's open bar.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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