You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
