Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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