I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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