She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
