So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
