He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
if only i could text you this smell
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
