i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
