I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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