Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
