He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
