Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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