dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
