If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
