i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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