I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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