i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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