You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
