he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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