God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
