Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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