I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
