Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
