morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
