I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
