I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
apparently the secret to your success is patron
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
