he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
