She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
