My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sorry about my life...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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