my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
