The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
