just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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