Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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