I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
