look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
