fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
