my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
