Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
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at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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